Oslo: Top 5 bars in the barrios

Until lately, the neighbourhoods of Oslo have not been overexposed to sophisticated drinking establishments. There’s a less-well-heeled bar scene that dominates the districts outside the city centre, and there has been — and still are — plenty of ‘spit and sawdust’ pubs where the only chairs you’ll get are the ones thrown at you. There’s nothing wrong with either unrefined or dubious establishments. They serve their purpose, but thank the hipster-God for gentrification! New and dedicated locals have opened other more reputable dens, ones that are better-suited to us modern mammals and our faux courtesy. However, the basic rules still prevail — a local watering hall (or hole) where you can lubricate yourself, where you — on occasion — can be driven astray by the lustful lure of flesh; a place where everybody knows your name, a home away from home, but so close to home you can easily navigate your way back home, when told to. So, put on your Crocs and bring your mum, or the baby monitor or both.

Here is a list of some local gems, from west to east.

Café Rouleur

Bike repair shop that wishes it was a bohemian café on the Left Bank. Fix your vintage Gitanes, listen to tales about Paris-Roubaix, and drink a cycling-friendly shandy. Let us namedrop a few of those: panaché, clara, radler, alster and pussy. Weirdly enough, they don’t offer any of these on their drinks menu, but can, on demand, mix them easily. They do, however, mix a lot of other fabulous drinks served in long-stemmed glasses — the stem itself being of poignant significance, probably.

Those who question whether you can build a bar and quickly give it character should pay a visit to this shampooed little mongrel, where a team of regulars have already settled in. They’re the ones sitting at the bar in their testicle-protecting padded shorts and aero helmets. To be honest, all customers here look like they’re members of the lucky sperm club. Last, but not least, don’t be scared by that tall and handsome man with a dead fox around his neck — he’s the owner. This is the place to play suave.

Ullevålsveien 16A

Paul’s Boutique

The pigs hate hip-hop, that’s a known fact, and Oslo’s finest have been pestering the city’s urban music scene for years. If you’ve been living in total ignorance, ‘Urban’ — formerly known as hip-hop and R&B — is the last big selling music genre in the world, offering dangerous music from dangerous artists like Drake, Beyoncé and Justin Timberlake. Oslo’s law enforcers claim these lascivious rhythms attract the wrong crowd (read: a younger, not-entirely-white crowd) which fuels drugs and violence. Some might argue this sounds like an echo from the deep South. And yes, it’s discrimination, and, as always, it’s the police doing the politicians’ dirty work. But it’s not a claim entirely without truth, even if it’s politically incorrect to say so: these establishments are sometimes believed to attract more crime than establishments playing indie or folk. What’s incongruous is the execution of it.

Luckily it seems difficult for the police — or anyone else for that matter — to hate Paul’s Boutique. ‘It’s a totally different tote bag’, to use a language millennials understand. Perhaps it’s due to its location north of the city centre in the area around the square at Alexander Kiellands plass? Everything is more laid back here. You have to look through very dirty monocles, or through the bottom of a bourbon glass, to find similarities to The Beastie Boys’ crime-ridden Lower East Side of the 1980s. Or perhaps it’s hard to dislike Paul’s Boutique because of its music, not in spite of it? Paul’s Boutique, as the name implies, is dedicated to Old School Rap, which attracts a kinder, gentler hip-hop crowd — more so than those street urchins looking for trouble. Or to put it bluntly, Paul’s Boutique attracts people who look like Ed Sheeran; cute backpack rappers dressed like spelling-bee champions, on a little stroll outside their man-cave. Cultivating their nostalgia they can unmistakably do in this local den of iniquity, especially in its tiny, grubby basement, which is so packed at weekends people are swinging from the rafters.

Darres gate 1

Bar Boca

For more than two decades, connoisseur-entrepreneur, musician, filmmaker and boat builder Jan Vardøen has reinvented and reconstructed the borough of Grünerløkka in his own image. Pleasing for the most part but an annoying Kafka parody sometimes — Villa Paradiso, Bar Bellini, Vespa & Humla, Nighthawk Diner, Focacceria and Grünerløkka Brygghus. As a post-structural theme park, Vardøville is more authentic than life itself. This is where Edward Hopper and Charles Bukowski team up with eco-friendly people clad in Ben Sherman.

The seat of Vardøen’s ‘reality by proxy’ kingdom is Bar Boca, a 50s-style surfer’s joint famous for its bloody maries and for introducing lime and mint to Norwegians. This tiny cocktail bar was pivotal to Oslo’s nightlife scene when it opened in the mid 90s. It’s where the city’s bartenders of today have learned to ply their trade and to develop an attitude. Talking about attitude, Norwegians are not known for engaging in conversation, not even in bars. It’s all about non-verbal-communication up here. The exception is of course booty call hour. Then they test the ground with different vowels that include the awesome letters Æ-Ø-Å. If the lack of social glue is bad today, think how bad it was in the 90s. Bar Boca was the only place in Oslo where engaging with strangers was allowed. The joint was small; it was obligatory to talk to your bar neighbours. If you were in desperate need of talking to locals, the rule was — go to a different city or continent, or head for Boca! Boca has doubled in size since its teens, and lost its youthful charm, but the bar wench has more than enough charm left to give a thirsty visitor. And yes, you can still talk to your bar neighbour.

Thorvaldsen Meyers gate 30

Bruun-Larsen

Twenty years on, and Bar Boca’s legacy prevails. New establishments are still opening up based upon a beachy vibe that screams for a hula-hula party. Bars with a style that mix inspiration from everything from Bikini Island to Jean-Luc Godard’s Paris, have been a long-lasting fashion trend, even without Boca’s introduction to the Oslo bar scene. Boca is not that unique, but for Oslo, it’s probably the ‘common denominator’. Yes, this is a broad generalization, but that’s what sociology does to simple folks such as this amateur critic. Everybody is judging you. As a bar-entrepreneur you have to give a new place soul, without letting the paint chip, without having the regulars sliding into decrepitude in front of your very eyes. You have to balance trying to tap the trends without being ‘trendy’ and you have to show confidence without being too pretentious. It’s a fine balance.

One of the newly opened bars in Oslo that has managed to find this balance is Bruun-Larsen, located in the old working-class district of Torshov. Torshov is soaked in history, Torshov is Oslo with a capital O (or T), but has been lacking in quality establishments for years. ‘Meat’ is always a great link for an establishment’s soul, and Bruun-Larsen, named after the owners, is also a nod to the local butcher, Strøm-Larsen — Oslo’s finest (and oldest.) In addition, Bruun-Larsen has Oslo’s most splendid poolroom, a bar list that puts piquancy to the experience, and an excellent outdoor seating with a view of one of the first modern housing projects in Oslo, from the early 20th century. Bruun-Larsen is a much-needed urban rescue mission, hula-hula party or not.

Torshovgata 15

Vålerenga Vertshus

Going back to the roots: This is a traditional neighbourhood pub and mythical birthplace of the city’s football team Vålerenga FK. This local house of civility is an absolute authenticity trap in the shabby-chic district of Vålerenga. It’s normcore like John Candy. Your correspondent had one goal for this listing, and that was to avoid places full of character where the walls could tell you stories — and instead keep to platitudes and pabulum that’s sweet talk to perfumed-ponces. That didn’t work in the end. The most cordial establishment in Oslo had to sneak into the bucket list. It’s a ‘best of’ list, after all.

This institution has gone through some sloppy refurbishment lately, like putting lipstick on a pig, and lost some of its more cordial touches. But you shouldn’t worry your pretty little head about that — play darts, drink beer or just relax in the charming courtyard on a hot summer’s day and hang loose with the dicey locals. Prime yourself with Dutch courage and join in on the chants of their beloved football team with such volume and anguish that it cracks mirrors and sends small forest animals scurrying for cover. Vertshuset is fifty shades of instant infatuation.

Hedemarksgata 1

Honourable mention: ‘Perla’, the barrio of Rodeløkka’s ‘La cantina del borracho’, and Tøyen’s Montmartre-styled cocktail bar ‘Human Mote’ could both easily fit on this list. Same goes for ‘Grus-Grus’ (Latin for Crane, fact-fans), Oslo’s only decent speak easy, tucked away above the restaurant Tranen. Vardøville’s own ‘Bar Bellini’ is above-cited, and then you have punk den ‘53’ in Schweigaardsgate, where the local rock Gods of Gamlebyen is toiling in frivolity. Honestly, making this list is as hard as picking between geeks & freaks for a softball team in gym class.